Thinking too much ...

The three men

2011-08-08T12:57:00.002+08:00

The poor pleasant lamented his life would be better if he is rich and has enough food to eat.

The rich man complained his life would be better if he was born a king and has the power to deal with his enemies.

The King sighed and wished his life would be better if he is carefree like the commonest man without the troubles from ruling the country.

The dead man neither complained nor wish for anything.

In life, everybody wish for something better and desire for more. There is nothing wrong with wanting better or more.

Perhaps what you don't want is something what others would want or wish for.

Learn to appreciate what you have while chasing for those you wish for. That way, you don't have to wait till you get it to be happy. Start being happy now.

Looking beyond your troubles

2011-02-24T09:47:00.002+08:00

Look past your seas of trouble
Sail above your oceans of woes

Cut through the waves of despairs
Search within the depth of your sorrows

And find the hopeful treasure of tomorrow.

A New Year

2011-01-11T02:18:00.004+08:00

I can't believe it that it has been a year since my last entry. Pardon me for not able to come up with something witty or intelligent to comment. Here goes ... Boy, time do pass fast!

There! Said it.

It has been one year after I tried to fulfill one of my dream that is to travel to Bangkok. Land of the Ah guas and Tom Yum Goong.

Since that I have also done a few things differently. Finally I visited Jen in Japan before she came home to Singapore. Put my hair into long tresses and then chopped it off short by the end of the year. Attended a Halloween party and dressed up as Singapore version of Dorothy from Wizard of Hougang.

I have also gone through some downtime. I suffered from burnout and had (having) mood swings and depression. I think I have gone though life thinking what is life worth living for. I lost interest in things that I enjoyed in the past and developed certain addictions that know that are bad for me; overeating and too much tv.

I lost myself somewhere and I couldn't still find my way back.

I worried myself all the time. I developed anxiety. I am scare of making mistakes that I stopped and stood still. I forgotten how to move, to breathe, to live.

Evert morning is a struggle to come alive. I have things and stuffs that I do not feel grateful for. I feel so sorry for myself. I lamented to myself "why me?" and sometimes "why not me?".

I lost my confidence. My self esteem lowered to levels that fishes don't swim. My self doubt developed a personality of its own. My health is a joke.

I asked myself, will the next year be different? Will it be my turning point?I seriously considered that it will be the same, nothing ever change for me. I don't allow it to change.

I might know a lot that there is to know to solve my situation. But what is stopping me?

I'm off!

2010-01-05T04:25:00.003+08:00

I'm off! Finally!

To the land of 'Ah Gua' and 'Tom Yum Goong'. Bangkok!

After a slight delay of two years and I'm off! to see the world!

Haha! Don't know what to feel now... Kinda numb from lack of sleep and feverous rushing to finish my work before I leave my beloved boss and student helper to fend for themselves while I'm off! to paradise.

I am starting to feel kind of lost without my internet ... I haven't finish reading up place of interests to visit, shopping gems to collect or what things to do when in Bangkok.

I wish I got more time to surf wikitravel and cramp more into my little red notebook. It's starting to feel like the morning of exams, always not enough time, always not prepared.

First time I am travelling light just bringing a backpack (enough meh?) ... feels like I am just going out for a while and coming home soon ... maybe tonight. I should not unpack and pack my bag anymore!

Will Thailand be fun? Will I enjoy myself? Will I be lost? Will ....

Oh my gosh! Look at the time! It's 4.39am! I need to go shower and leave the house by 5.15am.

See you people soon!

Nice to indulge once in a while

2009-09-27T18:27:00.003+08:00

Haha.

Been chasing HK drama series on DVD over this weekend.

Something that I shouldn't be doing or having been doing for a long long time.

I guess there is something to learn out of this other than what lessons are taught from the show.

1. Time is spent regardless how you spend it.

2. Since already decided to do it, why still lament and regret about it. Either continue to finish the whole series and be happy. Or stop watching and do the other more important stuff and still be happy.

There is a reason for everything we do. Stop fidgeting about it and keep moving on!

"If there is any problem, Mama Hor is there!"

20th September 2009

2009-09-20T19:33:00.002+08:00

It's the 20th of September in 2009.

Hari Raya Puasa in Singapore, a public holiday.

My only brother is leaving home tonight, to embark on a new journey in life to UK.

There are times in life when everything is constant and almost stagnant.

Then come suddenly life altering event, once again winding the clockwork, hurrying up the pace of our daily life by a split minute faster.

In epic stories, decades and centuries could pass without anything eventful news happening, and then there will be one or two major events that take place and alter the history forever.

I believe it happens to us, individual being too. There are times when nothing actually happens, we go through life as it is – constant if not contented.

Then something happens or comes along and Bang! We feel our daily routine disrupted and the direction of our course changed. Nothing is ever the same again.

Whether we like it or not, prepared or unprepared, it gives us that one push changing the direction, to another new course and perhaps a little more exciting.

Change is eventually. The only thing that remains constant in this world is change.

Today is my birthday

2009-05-18T00:38:00.002+08:00

Today's my birthday, Happy Birthday to me.

Around the same time last year, I had a personal loss. My maternal grandmother passed away 3 days before my birthday. I spent my birthday in her funeral wake.

Tonight there is another loss. A friend of my eldest sister, also maybe a known friend to me, passed away late in the evening earlier on.

We were not sure if it is the same person who we think is that had died. But my heart goes out to his loved ones having to lose someone.

After discussing this piece of news (my eldest sister and my brother-in-law have already left for the hospital), we watched a really funny Taiwan variety show on TV. We laughed really hard.

At times like this, some people will say “still can laugh until like that”. I would probably be one of those people who think the same way, how can one still have the mood to be happy when such tragedies happened.

Having going through such tragedy personally, I can now say, we can.

It is possible laugh again, to carry on living, even when things happened, when someone is gone.

We all deal with our internal feelings differently. Some cry, some talk, some get angry, some laugh.

By laughing, we are not laughing at other people’s plight. Rather we laugh because we know we need to have the strength to carry on with our lives.

I think we laughed the most as a family during my grandmother’s wake. The kind of strength we found from the common sadness we felt for our loss of our beloved “Ah Ma” to the elated attachment that we still have each other left behind.

I await the soon to dawn morning, to hear from my eldest sister about the outcome…

Sold Off

2009-05-08T14:56:00.002+08:00

I just sold my flat yesterday.

Finally it was confirmed. Sold.

What is left to do is to clear the place out in 8 weeks time.

Over our lunch of special spicy beef noodle and rice, Boon suggested that I should write a book about my experience selling my place.

That moment, I was touched.

Not mainly because he believed that I could write a book (and that someone would actually reads it).

I suddenly felt the acceptance that I was looking for.

I had been acknowledged for what I had been doing and have to do that is picking up pieces of my life and settling it to its proper places.

The process has been difficult physically and emotionally. It is something that we can't just pass over in life without realising its significant to our growth as a human being.

And at the end of it, I do see the light at the end of the tunnel - the possibility of a book and a new chapter.

I believe it would be both an exciting and therapetic experience to start writing one.

Thank you for your open heart.

Hmm... a book ...

W.A.N.D. Inspiration

2009-04-20T17:35:00.002+08:00

Hi,

Long time no see.

I just attended a workshop last Saturday on personal development.

I have to admit it was an eye opener and generate enough interest in me to lift my lazy fingers to blog about it here after such a long hiatus.

Coaching for Resilience.

Previously I thought the word ‘resilient’ means to ‘hang on’ or ‘persist’ – tough.

Now I learnt that ‘to be resilient’ is to look at problems and turn them into possibilities.

Sometimes really focus on the problems so much that become down and out. If can learn the right technique to squirt the eyes to search for the possibilities in the haze of troubles, maybe can find some hope.

The facilitator is a lady psychologist and she is really very dynamic and engaging.

I like the fact that she shared her side of the story which makes her seems more human and real.

www.wandinspiration.com

I look forward to her workshop on "Building Resilient Love" which is in August this year. Keep you all updated!

Home Care Promo for Dec Only

2008-12-11T12:26:00.001+08:00

Artistry Bag

2008-12-04T14:51:00.000+08:00

Friday's Entry

2008-11-21T01:00:00.011+08:00

It's late at night.

Haven't turned in yet. Not that sleepy yet. Must be the caffeine is still in my bloodstream from the milk tea this morning. Was up really early this morning though.

Started my new job as a language coordinator for almost 3 weeks now. Still learning the ropes. I want to laugh when I tell people my occupation is a language coordinator. Spelt “cooridinator” while filling up an application form today.

Somewhat planning for my year-end holiday, more of a weekend getaway. Wanted to go Thailand last year dec, but due to the political unrest with the election of then prime minister and likely riots, I have to give up my plans. I was ready to jump on the next plane and just go. That sort of things I seems to be doing whole of last year. Just go.

With this year is almost ending, been making amendment to the holes I made while pulling out of my old life. Finally found myself a more stable job, though not yet that stable with my 3 months probation to go through and the downhill pessimistic economic turnout that probably persist till next year. Hope that the market will become better so I can finally sell off my place and settle some of my burdens.

Don't really mind the recession, for I believe things have to get worse before it gets better. Found that many take stuff for granted, maybe this recession will shake things up a bit and wake up those so comfortable. I quite like being roughen up a bit myself - give me the edge.

Thinking of setting some goals and re-arranging myself for next year. Read some articles and thought of up-grading myself. Could use some new facelift myself. Not that kind of surgical facelift. I'm not that saggy yet. Want more steel in my character and build on my confidence. Thinking of studying, maybe another degree or MBA. A lot of work sia! But really cool to juggle work, study, family, business, relationship ... multi-tasking. I do sometimes try to take on too much than what is good for me. What can I say?! I'm too greedy with life. If not academic pursue then perhaps skills, professional makeup and hairstyling sounds interesting to me. At least that is something of interest to me. Although I don't know if I will last that long and have to fork up a substantial lump of money for the fee. Know that if I go study for degree or MBA, I probably can find a sponsor but don't think learning makeup and doing hair got people want to sponsor. Nobody wants to sponsor for daydreams. I don't mind paying for the course fee for the makeup program, considering it is an investment on myself to learn a skill that I probably can use it to make money later. But I still have a burden to carry and cannot afford to set aside that much for now. Actually now not so bad, got more help but don't wish to relay too much on other people too.

Wah! Write until so long alreadi. (Again speaking like PCK! :p) Must try to change now that I am in the language line of work. Must have some pride in my spoken and written abilities. Must be grammatically correct, vocally perfect, political sensitive ... anything more?! And logical sound minded to know that it is freaking 2am now! Go to sleep! Tomorrow still have to work!

TGIF! (Thank God It's Friday)

Two-Face

2008-10-20T12:41:00.013+08:00

Two faced.

I'm shocked to learn how some people can be so two-faced.
Okay... not shocked lah. It has been expected of such people.
But still surprised to know that they are really like that.

Two-faced means to be deceitful or hypocritical.

In english means this person in front of you like so nice and concern and then you feel like you can trust her and tell her stuff about yourself. And then in the other hand, she runs off to tell others distorted stuff about you.

(Actually this is yesterday's post but I just managed to complete it today ... procrastination.)

I found a job!

2008-10-12T18:53:00.002+08:00

I found a job! Hoho!

Finally after (so) many months of looking. Actually the job found me. Hehe!

Boon recommended me to apply for the job. He is working part time there and thought that I might like the job likening the workscope to the "Hotdog" game I like to play. The "Hotdog" game is actually a time management online game I play when I am stressed out at work.

I hope I like the job.

I am a bit aprehensive about it at first, still am. It seems to be very demanding on accuracy and consistency which I think I am not that 100% particularly care for even thought I am a closet perfectionist.

Okay bye... going out for dinner now! Hungry.

By the way, I'm in a new club. RNA Check us out.

Update

2008-09-17T14:09:00.004+08:00

Wow. Super long no update. I have yling constantly in my hair to do something about it, though it is not so frequent now since she's back to hitting her books. Yeah!!!

I'm bored.

I need to look for a job soon.

No, I need to find a job now.

Okay, I'm feeling stress now thinking about finding a job. Excuse me while I go barf.

Another silent agony.

2008-08-29T13:50:00.001+08:00

Aaaaaaaaaagggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ...... opps forget the 'r'.

Double sian -__- "

A silent agony

2008-08-28T17:17:00.001+08:00

Aaaarrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh! Sian. -_-

Trouble night ...

2008-08-18T09:46:00.014+08:00

Refering to Ms yling's comment on finding inspiration from my siblings to blog ... I like to dedicate this post to my dearest, youngest, sister, J.

I had a hard time falling asleep last night (or rather this morning, close to 2am) given that I was troubled with emotional woes. Not wanting my imagination to run amok in the dead of the night, I kept playing the music track on my mobilephone out loud to snuff out the silence (it's the 7th month! for goodness' sake!)

Don't worry ... Nothing happen.

Finally I guess after 30 - 45 mins I grew drowsy and shut down to hibernation.

I don't know if I'm dreaming or just at the edge of semi-conscious, I see myself lying on my bed in my bedroom (agrhhh... I hate having this kind of dream!).

Then I started hearing this squeaking noise. The sound of my bedhead moving slightly as if someone's tossing. The thing that freaked me out is the sound is coming from the right side of the queen sized bed and I was sleeping alone on the left.

In this state of dreaming or unconsciousness, I was paralysed. I was not able to sit up or even scream. The only thing I could do is turn my head from side to side.

I could see from that there are nobody else in the room and the side of the bed beside me is empty.

I was abit freaked out but mostly pissed off cos I finally fell asleep and then was disturbed.

In my anger, I reached out my right hand to grope the bed. Amazingly I was able to move my hand up to the wrist.

I used two fingers to instinctly gripped an apparently wrist and I sort of see a outline of someone and it become invisible again. Then I squeezed harder and then it appeared again in sort semi-see through like jellyfish material a slim figure.

Now I was totally freaked out. But I was not determine to just lie there and let 'it' disturb my sleep or attack me undefence.

So I squeezed with my fingers as hard I can till I can see the apparition appearing in and out then suddenly I woke up! I was lying stiffly on my side of the bed with my right wrist lock in on my side.

I was so freaked out and the same time so tired but I was determind not to fall back to sleep least I was 'attacked'. I laid back in bed afraid to move, forcing myself to stay awake.

But I was so sleepy! After much contemplation, I decided to call my dearest, youngest, sister, J, from my mobilephone.. and ask her to come up and accompany me. It is already 2.55am.

Funny thing is that we have a hard time waking up to our alarm clock but we spontaneously answer our mobile when it rang in the middle of the night.

"Mei - are you sleeping?"

"Yes, I'm sleeping already"

"Mei, can you come up and sleep"

"But I sleeping already"

"Please, Mei"

5 mins later or seems like even longer ... I heard my door knob twist and I opened the door for her. She went straight to the bed (ahem ..hehe.. on the left side) and proceed back to sleep. I covered her with the blanket and I laid awake for awhile. The back of her head with her massive black hair now seems strangely frightening too.

Gingerly I fell back to sleep.

Until I was awoke again by a phone call at 5.56am.

I want to thank my sister for being a great sport waking up in the middle of her beauty sleep to accompany. What can I say - that's what sibling are for!

Cheers!

It's a PIG life

2008-08-15T00:40:00.011+08:00

Think it's about time to update again. Almost 2 weeks since the last post.

Especially after receiving so many generous tips on blogging from dear nicole/grace.

I also don't wish to risk losing what FEW readers I have who regularly visit my blog just to see if I have since update. This is for you, Mummy Angel!

Love the piggy. It's a great-for-hugs piggy from a mystery sender.

It mysteriously appeared on my bed one day when I got home. I was so surprised! A lost pig! That does not belong here.

I immediately thought must be have been mistakenly delivered to the wrong room. Then again I thought maybe it's from my sister who I had a fight with a few days back (I got a nick of a scar on my chest from the fight ... ugly liao cannot wear low cut liao).

Must be thinking how childish so big already still fighting with sibling. What can I say - temper runs high in my family, we are such passionate people.

Anyway I regret fighting with her, sorry J.

Back to the pig, anyway I recently discover the mystery sender.

Ha! A surprise discovery - my eldest sister, J (least expected). Thanks a lot, 大姐! I love it!

Ha! Must be thinking my eldest sis, J, is the J-sister one I fought with. I have 4 sisters with names all starting with "J". Happy guessing.

I'm the only one with name starting with "A". I used to give myself one starting with "J" too to be part of the gang. But somehow I feel not right. I want to be different. My family are great and special bunch of people. Just that I feel that I need to be different. My life is different.

How different? I'm the blacksheep in the family ^_^

Which I think can be quite cool sometimes.

I got the licence to do things differently.

It's expected. ^_*.

Back from the long weekend getaway

2008-07-29T15:23:00.006+08:00

I'm back! From a long weekend getaway at Malaysia, KL.

A great big thank you to my bestest friend, yling and her lovely family, SK & Darling Angel for making my stay there so fun and different!!!

Getting away to do something different is what I was looking for when I left Singapore last friday morning.

Life has been a mess for me ever since I made some life altering decisions.

It's like when you decided to clean up your messed up room and suddenly you find it even messier and you regret for deciding to do it ... so much trouble so much pain.

Not that the decision is wrong or bad ... just that as comfort creatures ... nobody likes changes especially changes that we cannot anticipate.

What if the changes is for the worst or we don't need to change at all? What if we are wrong?!

Why so unsure? Why the insecurity? I asked myself.

It is because you are afraid? Afraid that all these changes will just lead back to the same thing... and that nothing ever changes?

Just a vicious cycle. Boring.

Just want to do something different. Live life differently.

Be happy.

(Hey yling, I updated my blog, happy now?)

What I need ...

2008-06-26T17:19:00.006+08:00

I need a break.

Quote of the Day

2008-06-26T16:53:00.010+08:00

Found this nice quote reading from a blog ...

"Medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. "

Can't agree more.

A new post

2008-06-19T00:28:00.005+08:00

Someone has been bugging me to post a new post.

In order to unbug myself from her relentless "please update your blog" or "write something", I have once again sign in to my blogger.com account (almost forgotten the password having to try keying the same password, insisting must be the username is the problem missing some numbers till I got the correct password which is the one I choose so that it will not be the same one that I use for my many other email accounts - Yes I know it's not safe, just let me be).

Anyway it is time to update something new, just to replace the last blog which is abit too depressing and melodramatic for my own taste ...

... anyway here's a picture I took on my way home ...

a different kind of sunset ...

just as life has a different kind of story for each of us.

No answers

2008-06-10T01:24:00.007+08:00

Have I manage to kick everybody who cares about me out of my life?

Why do I still feel so lonely and alone in the midst of so many people crowding around?

I keep throwing out signal ... yet there is no reply.

So where are you?

I'm still waiting...

The Fifth Post. A new beginning ...?

2008-06-09T00:57:00.017+08:00

Hello. I'm back. This is my fifth post.

It has been going to be close to a month since my last long post.

No... it is not because I am too upset about her passing that I could not write another blog. Althought I missed her so much. She was a great grandmother and I felt sorry I could not spent more time by her side when she was still alive. Regret.

Regrets. Do all humans face regrets some times in their lifetime?

By my own experience, I believe so.

We are all creatures of emotional burdens that we will tend to live with regrets in our life.

We could never truly appreciate what we have this moment, at the present in our life, and we will live to regret it when it is gone.

Why? Why do we wait till it's too late then we realise how much it meant to us?

It is because we think that we still have enough time? We have other better alternatives if this option runs out?

No answers.

Each and every one of us has a different value system of how much we weigh each things we hold precious to us.

One man's treasure is another man's shit.

I don't want to be anyone's shit.

But I don't seems to be anyone's treasure either.

But perhaps I can be my own shit and my own treasure.

Perhaps I should treat myself well and reprimand myself when I get out of line.

This way I am loved and hated by someone - Meself.

A new beginning.

Will it be just like the other many new beginning I set up for myself over the past many months and always ending back to square one.

Should I go on to believe that there is a new beginning for me?

I think I should.

Because I want it to be.

4th Posting - her passing

2008-05-16T12:12:00.002+08:00

My maternal grandmother passed away last night.

Third Entry

2008-05-13T13:24:00.007+08:00

Ok, due to the repeating request (nagging) from my blog reader - yling,
I am back again for another episode of blog time!

This time I am going to talk about a subject that is very dear to the heart of everybody regardless of age, race or gender.

We wake up thinking about ...

... we think about while getting ready for work ...
... we worry about it while having lunch ...
... we go to bed at night dreaming about it...

It's on our mind 24/7.

The word start with an "S"

And ends with a double figures.

Everybody would have guess it correctly by now.

Yes it's $$$
(okay stupid lah the stupid computer font does not write the money sign with the double 11 but you know I know that S-11 stands for $ can alreadi ok!)

Yes. Money is now constantly on my mind.
Not because I have lots of it. Millions of it.

But more of because of I have less of it now.

Same as love and sex.
When you have less of it, you constantly think about it.

The deep need for love is the same as the deep need for money.

So when you have lesser of it ...
One word. Sian. -_-

Yet many many people's belief are...

1. Money is known to be evil. (muahahaha! $_$ I'm EVil!)

2. Money makes men go evil. Make them greedy and cold.

3. One cannot have too much of money.

But I would like to reconsider this.
Especially this belief of mine that I shared for quite a long time in this short lifetime of mine.

1. If money is evil, why do people rob for it?

I don't think people who have huge bank accounts with tons of cash on hand will decide to rob someone else for money. I believe it is usually people who are desperate in need of money would then go do such stupid stunts.

I can understand from this as I happended to know someone who did something wrong (not very serious lah) to help raise money for the family. He stole a bicyle thinking he could sell it off for a few dollars to buy food for the family. But then he was caught and dealt with by the law. I know it is wrong what he did, not excuseable. He was not able to find employment for a long time because he has no education at all. What I want to say is that it is probably out of desperation that he decided to do it. If they have money, maybe he do not have to resort to this.

2. If money can make men go evil, then those people who queue up for 4D, TOTO and lotteries should burn in hell (sorry I say say only - not real) upon winning prize money.
The bigger you win, the deeper of the 18th level in hell you go cos having lots of money makes you very

Evil. 3. And one person cannot have too many money.

Yeah, actually hor I think salary got $1000 a month enough liao.

$700 for monthly housing instalment
$150 for groceries from Singsong
$3.00 for a plate of chicken rich lunchtime (you drink from your own water bottle / water cooler FOC)
$3.60 for the bus ride to and fro workplace
$5.00 for a pirated 'Ironman' DVD (not so clear one cos just release in the cinema)

And the look on your mum's face when she received a $2 hongbao from you for Mother's Day. Priceless.

For everything else, there always Visa.

Yah. Credit cards. One great source of finance when you need to Over your budget a bit this month - when money not enough.

Ahhh.. Screw this month savings and really go enjoy a sumptous meal at the Equinox at the top floor of Westin Stamford hotel - real classy. While at that why not open another bottle of red wine just to screw the children's education fund.

Life sucks when you have no money.

Don't try to deny it that you do not wish sometimes for some extra cash to spend on yourself or your loved ones.

If that's so then please willingly return that tidy sum of money that you had just received from your government for growth dividend. Yeah. It's great that our government is taking care of us. We are doing fine with what we receive from our monthly pay check. We don't need the extra cash. Cos we can't have too much money on our hand. Money is evil woooo...

My second time

2008-05-08T16:46:00.003+08:00

Try try first... I mean second

My first time

2008-05-05T00:45:00.000+08:00

Hello! Gosh... this is my first attempt at blogging. It's turning out to be a real stressful stunt for me. What to write about?

Foremost, I guess I need to introduce myself. My name's audrey. I'm using Audear as my blogging identity but I guess it's abit extra as people who will read my so-called blog will probably be people who already know it's me.

Anyway... Hello! I'm audear!

I'm decided to start writing this blog because my bestfriend y-ling encouraged me (very enthusiastically) to join in the bandwagon of blog writing.

I'm not very enthu about writing blog as I believe it will be very time consuming as much as I spend the time reading other people blog which I find it more entertaining and less hard work.

I'm daunted by the prospect of spell checking all my vocabulary and even my grammer before post least I make a fool of myself to the whole world.

Who am I kidding? With so many other much better blogs out there, I doubt anyone will want to read my little low self-esteem blog.

Anyway since I am already here. I will try to see how long I will last which I deem not very long.

Ok. Hello! I'm audear! See you.